The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
You Might Also Like
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
You sure about that?
We’ve all been there
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
This is Sparta
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.