The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.