The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
