The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
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When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen