Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”

Me at 7:30:

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.

911: How did he die?

Me: It must’ve been something I said.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

When can I start eating bats again.