THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.