The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”