The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.