Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?

Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs

I’m too lazy to be a superhero. If I had laser eyes I’d probably just use them to heat soup or something

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

B: What? You aren’t doing anything

M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.

“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

Me sliding into hell like

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

The struggle is real

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.