The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.