The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”