The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
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Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate