“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Harsh but fair
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
