@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

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@LaLuchaNix

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

@papasuncle

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

@JustMeTurtle

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

@KevinFarzad

ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.

@garthinkingcap

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time