can’t believe I got front row seats
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
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My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
ENTRY-LEVEL JOB OPENING: Minimum 3 years exp required. Must speak 4 languages, have 2 Olympic medals & a reference letter from Barack Obama.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time