Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

1st base: sex

2nd base: not wearing makeup

3rd base: calling each other

home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you