Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.