Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Recipe for homemade charcoal:

1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Ummm 😳

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod