The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I am never leaving this website
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity