The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”