The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
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ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”