The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so