The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
I have a type: disappointing
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.