The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Tuesday
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played