Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

WHAT DO WE WANT!!!

A cure for hangovers

WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!

Please stop yelling

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’

(Me to my kids)

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

As a doctor, I can confirm

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Overheard, my kids-

7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

this was very charming

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick