the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
October already? What’s next? November????
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Brb my Sims are getting married
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.