@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

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@iGreenMonk

A boy met a girl

She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place

He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single?

She:No, I’m a dentist

@foodfacenow

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

@Holy_Mowgli

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

@iGreenGod

The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

@ArfMeasures

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.