The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm