The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?
Parents.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]