Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

social media jobs be like:

Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?

Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business

£13k, Slough

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Her: I love pizza

Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.