Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

[during sex]

me: imma turn the ceiling fan on

giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right