Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.