Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Hello, my name is Pierre.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition