The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
hackers play passwordle
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Be vigilant
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”