The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
this chia pet tastes awful
necessity is the mother of invention
