The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
when nothing goes right… go left
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.