The Silence of the Lambs.

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I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.


Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.


Even Al Qaeda is like “These ISIS guys are a bit much no?”


Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx


[on a date]

“I usually don’t do this but..”

*runs out on date so she has to pay*


One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.


Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.



When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.


[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.


Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.