Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism