The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
accurate
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Saturday
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb