The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.