The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
how long have you had this for?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles