the simulation is moving too fast
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love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
pat pat
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
yeah 😭
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”