Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.