the simulation is moving too fast
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*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
i was baptized in a car wash
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.