The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much