The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
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HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Let’s Go
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.