The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
secret recipe
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I am never leaving this website
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I am all good here, 😂😉
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“i am a sweet baby”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”