Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?

Me: That depends

Her: On?

Me: Which chin you’re going by.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose

😂😂

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Just grow your own

[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media