The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
I unironically love this joke.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.