The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens