The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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This is no longer an app but a mishapp
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Respect
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.