The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen