The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
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Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Hamburger Hinderer.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The answer is funnier than the question
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor