The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
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76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.