Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.