The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
All right then, keep your secrets
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying