the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
The struggle is real
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most