the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
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Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
#inspiration #foodforthought
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
girls literally only want one thing..
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
no one ever comes back
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”