the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him
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Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
it takes so much energy
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet