Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]

Me: oh I love these!

Them: *goes to light it for me*

Me: *already eating it*

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.

I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”