Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

*handshake*

wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life

[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff

Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.