the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?