Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

I hope it’s French Onion!

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

A leaf blower, but for people.

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Me: Where’s Ken?

3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.

I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent

Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon