Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

idk what this dog had been going through but same

😉

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

Ladies, if he’s never gonna:

-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt you

He’s not your man, he’s tacos

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”