The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way