I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen
*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
[Driving home from restaurant]
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
her: i like a man with ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon
her: professional ambitions
me: i am going to kill the moon, for money