the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Everyone’s family
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.