the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*