the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?