the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
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“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.