Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]